Anne stormed out of the house and slammed the door. She stomped to the edge of the yard and let out a groan. Steve was so infuriating!

            “Everything OK?”

            Anne whirled around to see her next-door-neighbor Carla. Always pleasant and calm, Carla was like a second mom to the young couple. Anne’s cheeks flushed hot. “I didn’t realize you were out here. I just needed to get away for a few minutes.”

            “Do you want to talk about it?”

            Anne blew out a breath. What could it hurt? “I guess.”

            “Come on over and sit on the porch for a bit. I’ll even be neighborly and pour you a glass of iced tea, if you’d like.”

            “Sounds wonderful. Thank you.” Anne walked around the edge of the fence and took a seat on the porch. Carla disappeared inside to get the drinks. A moment later, she reappeared, a tall glass in each hand. She handed one to Anne and settled on the rocker next to her.

            “I’m ready to hear what has you all worked up.”

            “It’s Steve. Sometimes he drives me crazy.”

            “That tends to happen with people you live with.”

            “How long have you and Don been married?” Anne asked.

            Carla smiled. “Thirty-six years this summer. And I wouldn’t trade a minute of it.”

            Anne slumped against the rocking chair. “We’ve only been married for two years. I didn’t think it would be this hard.”

            Carla set her glass on the ground beside her and angled her chair toward Anne’s. “What are you finding hard about it?”

            “We just argue a lot. Like today. I left for work early and asked him to put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher and run it so it would be done when we got home. I had a rough day, and when I walked in the kitchen, the dishes were still in the sink and he hadn’t run the dishwasher. I was annoyed because I didn’t want to have to wash dishes by hand in order to have them for dinner tonight.”

            “What happened when Steve came home?” Carla’s tone was kind.

            “I told him I had a hard day and I didn’t appreciate having to deal with the dishes that he promised to take care of.”

            “And what did Steve do?”

            “He offered to pick up take out.”

            “And how did that make you feel?”

            “I felt like he was avoiding the problem. He said he would do something, and he didn’t. Trying to butter me up by getting takeout wasn’t the point. When I told him that, he got mad and went down to the basement.”

            “Did you ever consider his perspective?”

            “What do you mean? He was wrong, and I was right,” Anne said.

            “What’s more important to you?” Carla asked. “Would you rather be right, or righteous?”

            “I don’t understand.”

            “If you put your relationship first, it won’t matter so much to you whether you’re right or not. People who are always right tend to be lonely. I think Steve felt bad about the dishes. He might have had a very good reason why he didn’t do it, or maybe he just forgot. Either way, it wasn’t his intention to cause you extra work. When you told him you had a rough day, he was trying to make it up to you by saving you the trouble of making dinner. He thought he was doing a nice thing, but you didn’t accept the gesture. Then he reacted the only way he knew how – by retreating to a safe space.”

            “I never thought about it that way,” Anne said. “How did you learn all of this?”

            Carla laughed. “Didn’t I just tell you I’ve been married for 36 years? Don and I have had our moments, too, but instead of getting angry, we talk about our feelings. And we’ve given up on worrying about who is right. Instead, we work together as a team. We raised four kids in that house. If we weren’t united, we never would have survived.”

            “I guess you’re right. I love Steve, but there are some things about him I would like to change. I’ve prayed about it, but God doesn’t seem to be doing anything about it.”

            Carla raised her eyebrows. “You’ve prayed for God to change Steve?”  

            “Sure, lots of times, why?”

            Carla’s eyes bored into Anne’s. “Do you really want my advice?”

            “Of course. You’ve managed to stay happily married for decades. You’re doing something right. Why wouldn’t I want your advice?”

            “Because I’m going to tell you something you don’t want to hear.”

            “I promise I won’t get mad,” Anne said.

            “OK, here goes,” Carla said. “Stop asking God to change Steve, and ask Him to change you, instead.” She held up a hand, just as Anne was about to object. “Hear me out. If you ask God to make you a better wife, more patient, more kind, more loving, you will have a better husband in response. It’s not our job to change other people. It’s our job to change ourselves.”

            Anne sat silently for a few moments. “I see what you mean. So you think Steve was really trying to make it easier on me by ordering takeout?”

            “I do. What are you guys doing for dinner?”

            “I was about to make it, but instead got mad and came out here.”

            “Why don’t you take him up on the offer, get takeout delivered, and instead of spending time in the kitchen, spend some time together?”

            Anne shook her head. “It might take me a while to get this marriage thing right, but I’ll give it a try. Thank you.”

 Matthew 5:9

 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

Lord, You put us in relationships with other people to bless us. Please help us put our relationships with other people ahead of our own needs to be right all the time. Thank you for using people to help mold us more into Your image. You set us the ultimate example when You washed the feet of your betrayer, Lord. Help us to learn from Your example and humble ourselves to serve others. In Jesus’ name, Amen.